Learning the Back Story

The 11-year-old has been in trouble more than once for stealing his classmates’ snacks from inside their desks. He is known for taking things – some big, like his teacher’s cell phone. And some small – like a set of pink, glittery My Little Pony erasers or a crisp, new Harry Potter book.

The blue-eyed boy with the piercing gaze has been caught misbehaving in other ways, too. He favors younger children on the playground, and has been disciplined for bringing up inappropriate topics, like what his genitals look like. Or what men and women like to do in bed.

Many have thrown their hands up in frustration, all but refusing to deal with the young man – his dishonesty, his stealing and his blatant inappropriateness.

The ones who have the most patience with him, though, are those who know the back story. They understand that he steals because he has been bounced from foster home to foster home, and that food has often been scarce for him. When asked why he stole the book and the erasers, he hung his head and said, “I just wanted them to be mine. I don’t have things that are just mine. And I know no one will buy them for me.”

Of course, these explanations don’t make the boy’s behavior acceptable. He does need to learn boundaries – and to understand why lying, stealing and sexual talk are not OK.

Yet, understanding his story – and the motivation behind his misbehavior – makes him seem less like a devil and more like a young man in crisis – someone who needs understanding, a listening ear, and a bit of extra adult attention and encouragement whenever possible.

The back story does, indeed, matter. This is something we can never, ever forget in the work we do with young people – no matter how pressed for time we feel and how outraged and violated we may feel by misbehavior.