As I travel the country, I meet a lot of parents who feel hopeless as they watch their children and teenagers make destructive choices.
In many cases, the youth are involved in drugs or a life of crime. In other cases, they are devaluing themselves and putting themselves at risk by having casual sex. Often, their children are not attending school, or are going but not putting forth any effort to learn.
Sometimes, I ask these parents if they have talked to their teens about their concerns. Most say that they have tried, but that the effort didn’t go very well. Maybe it ended in a shouting match. Or a long stalemate, where the young person refused to communicate with the parent at all.
Such experiences are understandably frustrating. And parents are left feeling as though there is nothing they can do but withdraw themselves from the situation, sit back, and hope and pray that the son or daughter they love beyond belief will somehow change.
But here is what we are learning about young people – and it’s something that I have heard from young people across the U.S. and around the world: Even when they say they don’t want to hear what their parents have to say – even when they seem completely and utterly beyond our reach – deep down, they do want to have that relationship. They want their parents to stand up and be parents, and also to have the courage and wisdom to keep reaching out, even when they know they might be rejected.
But what does that reaching out look like? How do we get our young people to talk to us?
One of the things we need to do is make sure that we are willing to talk on their time table. Maybe they don’t want to talk right when they walk through the front door. Then, try again at dinner. Or during a ride in the car. Or at bedtime.
Maybe it’s not even something that happens face-to-face, but through technology like texting or Facebook. Maybe you have to start by exchanging short messages on a white board posted in a shared family area like the den or kitchen. Don’t get hung up thinking about what the communication “should” look like – just communicate!
We also know that young people – like all of us, really – have a tough time resisting fun.
Offer to plan an activity with them that would appeal to them. Maybe it’s a game of paintball or laser tag. Maybe it’s a basketball game. Or maybe it’s just hanging out watching movies. Be willing to do what they want to do – within reason – and do it when it works with their schedule and needs. When they see that you don’t have to have all the control and that you are willing to do something out of your comfort zone to spend time with them, the effort goes a long way toward strengthening the relationship.
And above all – never, ever, ever give up on your kids.
No matter how damaged you think your relationship is, continuing doing all that you can to improve it.
Don’t think that it’s “impossible.” Think, I’m Possible – and so are your kids.
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